From Socialism Today, magazine of the Socialist Party (CWI England & Wales). Originally published under the title “Boy Trouble”.
Recently there has been a proliferation of articles, books, reports and surveys looking at boys and young men: the problems they face and their ‘backsliding’ attitudes towards girls, women and feminism. Some of these exaggerate, distort or take a one-sided view of findings in order to promote a ‘gender war’ narrative or argue that feminism has ‘gone too far’. Others are more balanced and nuanced. Catherine Carr’s documentary on the British Broadcasting Corporation’s Radio Four, “About the Boys”, is in the latter category – a series of interviews with teenage boys from different backgrounds and geographical areas, speaking frankly about the difficulties of being a boy in today’s world.
At a time when the British Office for Standards in Education reported that 79% of girls have said that sexual assault happens ‘a lot’ or ‘sometimes’ in their school – prompting the launch of the Everyone’s Invited website where young women have spoken out about their experiences – discussing boy’s problems might seem like an unnecessary diversion from the shocking sexism, abuse and gender discrimination that so many girls and young women still face. However, as one educator interviewed by Carr put it, “boys live in the same male-dominated society we have created” – one in which gender stereotypes are damaging to both women and men.
“The patriarchy that girls complain about hasn’t benefited men”, “we don’t have such an advantage”, commented one boy. Or as Times columnist and author Caitlin Moran put it more colourfully in her book, What About Men, “the patriarchy is screwing men as hard as it’s screwing women”.
This is undoubtedly an exaggeration, but it’s clear from the emerging evidence that as well as perpetuating sexism, gender violence and abuse, homophobia, and transphobia, traditional gender norms – rooted in and sustained by class society – are also damaging boys and young men.
The conclusion of Carr’s documentary is that boys are confused and anxious. And those feelings stem in part from the mixed messages they are receiving in society about gender roles and relationships.
Changing Social Attitudes
On the one hand there has been a sea-change in expectations about women’s role in society. Shifts in social attitudes regarding gender roles and relationships have been driven both by capitalism’s changing economic needs and movements by women and the organised working class as a whole. The biggest transformation has taken place over the last few decades. The most recent British Attitudes Survey – an overview of changes in the last 40 years – reported that while in 1987 48% of people agreed that “a man’s job is to earn money and a woman’s to look after the home and family” only 9% thought so in 2022: an incredible 39% fall resulting primarily from the huge influx of women into the workforce, including those with young children.
At the same time women’s confidence and expectations of life and relationships have increased and broadened, while campaigns have been successful in raising awareness about gender violence, abuse, and sexual harassment. These raised expectations continually come into collision with the economic and social constraints of a capitalist system in crisis, often having a radicalising effect, but they have had some positive outcomes for women and the gender landscape.
Boys and young men are not unaffected by changing social attitudes. But they also continue to live in a world where traditional gender norms have not disappeared – norms which benefit the capitalist system through women’s low-paid work in the workforce and their unpaid work in the home, and because these norms are constantly exploited and reinforced by profit-seeking capitalist-controlled companies such as social media and the porn industry.
Navigating a world of mixed messaging is not easy and can be harmful to both boys and girls. The boys interviewed by Carr talk about what they perceive as, in effect, a crisis of masculinity. In the words of two of them, “you don’t know what the hell a man is in this society”, and “it’s much harder to be a boy in today’s society”.
Carr’s documentary records, in their own words, why these teenagers think that’s the case. Being a ‘real man’ and achieving status or success is still associated with earning money and having a high-paying job, explained one boy.
Others spoke about the assumptions that they should “make the first move” in sexual relations and their anxieties about not being able to ‘perform’ or the risk of misreading consent: “Girls expect men to just know everything – with periods, and also sex, and what feels good and where everything is”. “How are you supposed to know, unless you’re taught, and you don’t [get taught] – and so guys turn to porn”. “And then they are put down for watching porn and told not to watch it. You have no good option. It’s a lose-lose situation”.
Online porn, over 90% of which is violent, objectifies girls and women, ignores or distorts their sexual needs, and normalises gender violence. The boys talked about how slapping and asphyxiation are becoming an acceptable part of sexual relations. But porn also places totally unrealistic expectations on boys and young men, under pressure to ‘perform’ for a porn-world 25 minutes rather than the real-life average of four.
Anxiety about body image has long been experienced by girls and women, who are used to be being judged primarily by the way they look – insecurities exploited and fuelled by the beauty, leisure and fashion industries’ quest for profit. Boys explained how social media and the ubiquitous availability of porn online is also making them worried about their bodies – the size of their genitalia, whether that are too short, whether their jaw should be ‘sharper’. We are under constant pressure to ‘max’ our looks, explained one boy. Fifty percent of men under 40 have poor body image and it’s the third biggest concern of men under 25. Spending by young men on beauty products has also increased stratospherically – a growing equalisation of exploiting anxieties in the pursuit of profit.
Rape convictions are ridiculously low – just one in three recorded rapes will result in a conviction. At the same time, false allegations of rape are extremely rare – a 0.0002% chance of it happening to a boy or man in one year according to a 2018 Channel Four report. Yet some boys were so worried by reports doing the rounds on social media of boys being falsely jailed or having their reputations and futures ruined that they had resorted to recording or videoing their sexual partners’ consent. Others were avoiding sex all together.
Social Expectations
From birth, and the asking of the inevitable question, ‘is it a boy or a girl’, gender differences are shaped, consciously and sub-consciously, through the external behaviour and attitudes of family, friends, and society more generally – whether it be educators, TV programmes, or gendered toys – and internalised so that, according to scientists, by the age of four our brains are already ‘hard-wired’ to associate certain behaviours and attributes with a person’s sex.
Of course, hard-wired is the wrong adjective to use as it gives the impression that attitudes, once formed, are immutable when they are in reality malleable and can be transformed through experience, especially the experience of struggle.
Boys spoke to Carr about how their friendships and life choices were constrained by social expectations of how boys and girls should behave and what leisure activities were ‘gender appropriate’. Boys were afraid that if they demonstrated stereotypically ‘feminine’ traits they would be ridiculed, judged or isolated by their peer group. Being gay presented additional difficulties of acceptance.
Studying hard and doing well at school could itself be gendered, contributing to lower educational outcomes for boys than for girls. These societal expectations could be further reinforced by those associated with a particular geographical area, class, or culture.
‘Fitting in’ meant conforming, behaving and presenting in a stereotypical ‘masculine’ way, even if that became a performance, suppressing their real interests and feelings. Talking about feelings and emotions was not a feature of their male friendships. Boys, they explained, are expected to be “stone-faced”, to “man-up”. It’s OK for a girl who has problems to burst into tears in school, said one, she would be treated sympathetically; but it’s completely different for boys, who are supposed to be tough and resilient and not prone to public displays of vulnerability or ‘weakness’.
One interviewee referred to the “weight” that boys carry on their shoulders because of unrealistic and unrealisable societal expectations, others about their sense of failure and inadequacy when they are unable to match up to them. Lack of confidence, low self-esteem, insecurity, uncertainty, loneliness and an inability to express emotions can all contribute to a growing male mental health crisis. At its most extreme, 80% of suicides are committed by boys and men, and suicide is the biggest killer of men under 35.
But repressed rage and insecurity can also be expressed externally, including through violence against girls and women, which at root is related to age-old assumptions of male power, dominance, and authority.
Division and Unity
A boy from a deprived area of the country, who had previously been involved with gangs, highlighted how working-class boys in particular, feeling that male status and achievement are linked to material gains, and facing a future of unemployment or low-paying, exploitative jobs, can look around their neighbourhood, see the gangsters and drug dealers with their smart clothes, fast cars, and girls, and consider those outlets their only way of becoming a ‘real man’.
It is these feelings of inadequacy and failure that are seized on by the likes of the extreme misogynistic social media ‘influencer’ Andrew Tate, who make millions peddling the historically rooted idea that being a real man is about power – money, sports cars, and, especially, power over women. Reform UK leader, Nigel Farage, has said he is part of a “similar phenomenon” to Tate, calling him an “important voice” for men and defender of “male culture”.
A minority of boys and young men can be susceptible to these pernicious ideas, and to the notion that women and feminism are to blame for the problems they face; that women’s gains are their losses; and that #MeToo has led to men being falsely accused of sexual harassment, assault and rape.
It is important however to look beyond sensational tabloid headlines and social media posts about a regression in the social attitudes of boys and young men concerning gender relations, women’s rights, and feminism. In reality there has not been a significant shift, and in society overall attitudes have become much more progressive over recent decades. It’s true that in one Yougov poll 20% of boys and young men had a positive view of Tate, but these were the ones who had heard of him – not all of those interviewed had – and 80% did not hold that view.
Echoing the feelings of some of the boys interviewed by Carr, 25% of 16-29 year olds think it’s harder to be a man than a woman, but 75% don’t. That 16% of young men think ‘feminism has done more harm than good’ compared to 13% of men over 60 is hardly a massive generational shift, and again, 84% don’t agree.
This doesn’t mean, of course, that some boys and young men who spend hours of their lives online are not more susceptible to misogynist ideas, fake news and rape myths. A recent CPS survey found that while 74% of all men understood that it can still be rape even if there is no resistance, only 53% of 18-24 year olds did.
As adult interviewees in Carr’s documentary explained, non-judgemental education about sexual health and relationships in schools, with an emphasis on equality, respect, mutual pleasure and the nuances of consent, can cut across sexism, misogyny, and misunderstandings, but how issues are framed is very important. References to ‘male privilege’ are unlikely to impress young boys who themselves feel victims rather than beneficiaries of ‘the patriarchy’. Speaking about ‘toxic masculinity’, for example, may be well-meaning and concerned with specific misogynist behaviour by some men, but is often perceived as a term blaming all males for the behaviour of a few, and unintentionally reinforcing the idea that boys and men are hard-done by, that the ‘tables are turning’ and it’s all the fault of feminism which has gone too far.
One boy Carr spoke to said that #MeToo was a positive movement but “became a war of women against men when it should be women and men together against the problem”, in reality, the social and economic conditions – of capitalism – that create ‘the problem’. Those wanting to fight against sexism and violence against women have to also take the problems identified by the boys in this documentary seriously and put forward solutions that unite rather than divide.
And one of the features of the often mass women’s movements globally in the wake of the 2007-08 financial crash – against gender violence, sexual harassment and sexism, for reproductive rights etc. – has been the significant involvement of young men. But winning lasting gains for girls and women means linking the struggle for women’s rights with that for a systemic change that can benefit both girls and women, boys and men, through economic and material improvements in their lives, which is particularly important for those from the working-class, and through the ideological changes that a root and branch transformation of society would lay the basis for.
Alternative Society
There is much that can be done in the here and now. As far as boys are concerned some of these were outlined in Carr’s documentary, starting with education in schools, although that needs to be democratically controlled, involving students, educators, parents and relevant social organisations in order to ensure that it is objective and meets the needs of all young people. More mental health services, more youth clubs, the prospect of a decent job and a future, all featured in the list of things which need to change. But in a capitalist system in crisis that is decimating those services these can only be defended and won through mass struggle, with the working class and its organisations at its core.
However, ultimately, lasting access to material improvements for all would require overturning the whole profit system and replacing it with a democratically owned and controlled socialist planned economy and society based on need.
As would creating an environment in which traditional and harmful gender norms could be eradicated. While attitudes have changed and can continue to do so, and gender stereotypes can be broken down to a certain extent, the capitalist system has been organised and structured in such a way that it has benefited, and continues to benefit economically from gender inequality, in the workplace and in the home. At the same time individual privately owned companies make huge profits out of exploiting long-existing gender norms, and consequently reinforce and perpetuate those stereotypes throughout society, even though other processes have been pushing in the opposite direction.
Mere ‘regulation’ of social media does not resolve which class is regulating and in whose interests. Social media platforms and companies should be publicly owned and democratically controlled, removing the profit motive and therefore the incentive to monetise the spread of sexist, misogynist and divisive content, and the social control element that the capitalist system requires from its media in all its forms. The same argument holds for all of those capitalist businesses that reproduce and perpetuate gender stereotypes and divisions.
A socialist society would be one in which economic gender inequality was ended through equal pay and conditions in the workplace and the provision of quality public services, including childcare, to equalise participation in the workforce and in society generally; in which the main private companies were publicly owned; in which democratic control by workers and service users was extended to all public and state organisations and institutions; in which society was democratically planned for need not profit; and in which all inequalities of power and wealth were eliminated. This would not instantaneously eradicate gender norms that have been embedded in class-based society for thousands of years. But such a systemic transformation would destroy the structures and means through which those ideas have been sustained and diffused, creating an environment in which ‘gender’ as a binary social construct would no longer be relevant, and in which everyone would be able to express their true selves freed from the constraints that class-based societies have placed upon us.
